Miley Cyrus cleaning cum, I’m just sayin’, New Q Lurr
“Next, another interview with Miley Cyrus, coming clean about her boyfriend” is what the newscaster-person just said to tease us into sticking around through the commercials. What would have made it more interesting is if she’d said “Next, another interview with Miley Cyrus, cleaning come about her boyfriend.”
I’m just sayin’.
It always makes everything you say okay if you follow it with “I’m just sayin’.”
“That pantsuit makes your ass look a little gigantic. I’m just sayin’.”
See, adding “I’m just sayin’”, or “IJS” as we’ll say from now on, turns everything you say into something that you don’t actually mean, because, you see, you’re just sayin’ it. You’re not meanin’ it. Y’see?
Well, even if you don’t see, try it the next time you stumble verbally, or put your foot in your mouth. (Also verbally). Or maybe try it the next time you stumble vertically, or put your foot in your mouth anally.
REASONS TO LOVE JAY LENO’S MONOLOGUES:
1) When he tells a “joke”, he generally repeats the punchline, sometimes saying it three times or more.
2) After saying the “punchline”, he sometimes explains the “joke” with hand movements or a few words.
3) If he’s telling a story that involves anyone of color, he usually prefaces it by saying “Hey Kevin, this will interest you”, or something similar, as if his African-American bandleader will be interested in all stories involving anyone close to his own skin shade.
4) The odd high pitch of his voice and the strange bobbing of his head can lull one into a near dream state.
5) He stole the “Headlines” feature that regularly airs on Monday nights from National Lampoon magazine. Then, it was called True Facts. And it was funny.
6) He always wears that cute inverted coonskin cap.
7) Oh wait… what?… that’s his hair? Okay, forget number 6.
8) You can use him as a measuring device. If he says that he doesn’t like it, that usually means I’ll be interested in it, i.e. sushi. It also works with music, art and literature.
9) He’s dyslexic, and sometimes mispronounces things, although I think that someone’s been giving him lessons after school because he sometimes actually says “nuclear” instead of “nucular”.
And on that subject, HOW DOES ANYONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD END UP MISPRONOUNCING THE WORLD “Nuclear”? I mean, just look at it. It’s not hard. You basically have the words “new” and “clear” stacked right together to make things easy for you. No one gets stumped by the first part. No one says anything but “new” for the “nu” part. But they tend to get thrown by that tricky last part. Let’s look at it now, shall we?
CLEAR. Hmm… I’m going to stare at that for a little bit and try to figure out why anyone says that part wrong. It’s pretty simple, as English goes. It’s easy. It’s not hard. Not cloudy. It’s pretty clear.
See? Were you reading that? When you got to the last word, did you say CUE-Lurr? Like the letter Q followed by the first syllable of the word learning? Are you sure? Try the whole word yourself. Nuclear.
Did you say “New” “Clear” or did you hear yourself saying “New” “Q” “Lurr”?
If, for some fucking unexplainable reason, you’re among the people who say “nucular” (and I know folks who got straight A’s in school and folks who hold down jobs that definitely require a huge brain who still say the word wrong), try figuring out why. And practice saying the word “clear” over and over. I’ll bet there’s no way on Earth if you break it into parts you’ll ever say the last bit incorrectly. Really, if I walk up to someone with two words written on index cards and ask him to pronounce them, and those words are “cloudy” and “clear”, I’ll bet NOONE EVER says “cloudy” and “cue-lurr”.
I’m just sayin’.
