Homo Slomo Disco
Click on pic!
There’s a place that has a few locations in and around Chicago called the
Illinois Bone and Joint Institute.
My girlfriend found it on the interweb. She pointed out that it’s a fantastic
tongue twister. It’s hard to say correctly one time, much less three. Try it. You’ll at least end up saying the word “boin” a few times.
Then, when it becomes an obsession, and you can’t stop saying “Illinois Bone and
Joint Institute,” start calling the number (on evenings and weekends, of course. They do important work there, anus. They’re busy fixing people’s bones and joints). So you can hear a recorded voice say it.
Also, go to Japan and ask someone there to pronounce the name of Thee Michelle Gun
Elephant’s album Gear Blues. I’m betting they’ll say “Gill Bruise,” which has killed many of my fish over the years.
I’m writing a new play. Here are the first few lines…
GIRL: You read my mind.
BOY: I blue your mind.
GIRL: Wait… you red my mind?
BOY: No, no, no… I blew your mind!
(A minute of silence passes. Eggs fall from the sky above. Offstage, a loon cries.)
GIRL: I blew a mime.
That’s it so far. It’s like a Pier Paolo Pasolini film and a really terrible abstract expressionist painting, only in play form. For the leads, I see Kevin Spacey and… I don’t know. I haven’t thought about who will play the boy yet.
In case you can’t remember all of the months and how many days they have, I developed my own little rhyme. It goes like this:
30, 30, 30 one
All the rest have thirty one
All the rest do not have none
It’s the one that does not have it… February.
I may have remembered the original version incorrectly, but I’ve always been able to remember which month is the shortest.
I saw Jack Nicholson recently on some crappy E! kinda show, and he was talking to the photogs as he walked by, saying:
“If you ever flash those lights at my kid again I’m going to push your face thru the back of your head.”
We’re listening to some minimalist micro house from a few years ago. One of those Chain Reaction metal can CDs. I said to my gf (who’s my bff! 4e! tlaf! LOL! fart!)
“Do you mind that I’m making you listen to slow-motion gay dance music?” and she said
“No, I like “homo slomo disco.”
YOGA POSITION #314: The Shambling Monk
When I check into hotels, because I used to be fairly well-known around town and had a stalker at a couple of points, I do it under an assumed name. That name is
Porky-Cheeks McFiddleFuddy.
At the top of the page, there’s a picture of me and my identical quintuplets hanging out at Patterson Park. I swear to the gods, as the picture was being taken someone on the futbol field yelled “ondelay!” Or however it’s spelled.
I want to have some kind of cool sign off line, like a Dan Rather, or a Walter Cronkite, or one of those people who have cool sign-off lines.
IT’S A WRAP!!!!
or maybe
SUCK IT!!!!
or
SLAM DUNK!!!!
